Life after The Death of a Loved One
79
My Sister's Move
I just returned from Hollywood Beach, Florida and had a nice time with my sister, Norma. I generally don't travel in August as the weather is too hot, but wanted to give her moral support as she moved two weeks ago from New York.
Its amazing, how fast she has adjusted to her new town; she is in her element as she is very artistic and sociable, and the town where she lives has cultural events and very friendly residents who already have extended invitations to her. She moved, in order to start life afresh - alone, without her 18 year old son, Omar who passed away 3 years ago.
Her estranged husband who became ill with several strokes after their son's passing, lives overseas. She was very nervous before moving as she literally gave up everything, being near her older son and his new Thai wife, (who are moving back to Thailand in 3 years or so) friends, a gorgeous apt, office space for her business, and would be living totally alone in Florida, so it was a gamble she was taking; she made the move because emotionally NY became too stressful for her to continue living there.
A day or so before she left NY, I did a meditation and asked that a sign be given to her in a dream or while awake that would give her strength and courage to make her move. On the morning before her departure, she had a dream with her son Omar, and he was rocking her back and forth gently, while kissing her tenderly. She woke up with a deep feeling of love embracing her, and she knew this was a confirmation that she had made the right decision. I was grateful that neither time or distance, or even death stands in the way of a spiritual connection, if we but keep our minds and hearts open and free of anger and bitterness.
Sis' Email
Tonight, sis shared an email with me and it made me cry because not even the passing of her son has made her bitter or lose the will to live, and she is ever ready to help others. Her friend Mary, was at a dance studio recently and a male friend passed away while at the dance studio; one minute he was laughing and joking with friends, and the next, he collapsed and died almost instantly in front of everyone. Mary went to the beach with a friend in order to deal with the shock and sadness of her friend's passing:
Hi Mary: It was a good idea to go the beach, as it's a spiritual connection to nature, to God, and a way to talk to Tony from your heart... I know it must be hard for you, for Naomi and people that knew him from Mendes, but if you think about it, it was a beautiful passing, doing what he loved; dancing, with his friends of many years, no suffering because it was fast, and he was not that old, but he had lived his life. He is in a better place for sure, and now "dancing with the angels"
Everyday, I go out in the morning and I look at the ocean and the sky meeting each other like in a continous line of changing colors, and it makes me cry, because I realize how precious everyday is.. I talk to God, and sometimes I complain and ask Him, why he took my son, and other times I tell Him to take good care of my Omar, and to give me the strength to live a full life until is my time to be with him again. Eveyday I write Omar's name in the sand, and I wait for the waves to come and take it away, then I continue walking and pray that I have a good day of inner strength and grace....
I understand how you feel!
Hugs/Norma
For her writing her son's name in the sand every morning, is her moment of communion with her son's spirit, and this ritual gives her a sense of peace. It humbles me to see how the beauty of spirit can shine even in the midst of sorrow.
Temporary Visitors on Planet Earth
I cannot pretend to know the answer to life's mysteries, or understand why certain events happen, but I do know that we all handle the loss of a loved one, and life's ups and downs uniquely; one gift I have gained from Omar's passing is that I am more attuned to life - I see clearly how prayers or my intentions manifest quickly such as my request for a sign for sis, not because of a secret formula, but because its the nature of life to be Co-creative; each day is precious to me as life is sacred, and I have no interest in engaging in drama with others or struggle with myself; my interest is in living with a sense of connection to a higher part of myself, be creative, and to live my life the best way I know how. When the day comes for me to leave this world, I hope I will feel at the core of my being, that I lived my life fully and will have no regrets.
"I believe there are two sides
to the phenomenon known
as death, this side where we
live, and the other side
where we shall continue to
live. Eternity does not start
with death. We are in
eternity now."
---Norman Vincent Peale
Before I went on my trip, I was feeling a sense of sadness about what I call the impermanence of life; it frightened me a little, as I want all that I hold dear, to be a part of my experience forever; at least the forever I as a human think of, the physical, tangible connection; being able to touch, to share, laugh, cry or just be in the presence of another; but now I realize, I need to simply live moment by moment and by living in the moment, I can live without worrying about the past or the future; I realized, that by doing this, we become centered in eternity. Sounds strange, huh? But this is what I feel at this moment... that there is no beginning or ending, just an endless movement of life of which we all are a part of and I/we stand in the center.
Finally I understand what Eckart Tolle author of the "Power of Now" and the sages have been saying. Oddly, this awareness, helps me to appreciate more of what I have in my life, which is my mate Phil, my family and friends - my experiences and it helps me to be more accepting of my nephew's passing.
We are all visitors in this physical world, and one day the form of our connection with reality and loved ones will change, there is no denying this. Yet, if nature can handle this change with the seasons, who am I to fret about the impermanence of living? In a sense, I am a guest in this earthly life, and would like to become a more gracious one.
'When you were born, you
cried and the world
rejoiced.
Live your life in a manner
so that when you die the
world cries and you
rejoice.'
---Native American Proverb
From Justabreathaway.com, an inspirational, non commerical website that sis and I created; she focused on the design and art, and I on the writing. Its our gift to ourselves and to others.
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Some of you may have read my story "Ghetto Chicks and Butterflies" where I shared about my nephew's passing almost 3 years ago, and the signs he gave his Mom and me from beyond, which confirmed that he is... - Anniversary Reflections - When a Young One Dies
Today is the anniversary of my 18th year old nephew who passed away four years ago. Hard to believe how time flies, as it seems like it was yesterday when our lives changed forever. Wherever Omar is, we... - After Death Communication- A Mom Stops By To Say Hello
My Mother passed away in the year 2000, of old age, so her death was a conclusion to a life that was not an easy one, but was fully lived; she was satisfied until the end, of her role of being a good mother,...
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Thank you for shring your personal and innermost thoughts. I trully relate to everthing that has happened with your sister and the relationship you have. My family gave me much support when my granddaughter accidently drowned 10 years ago at the age of 3. My whole outlook of life and what it is changed doing the healing process. I wish your sister and you well.
Hi, Willliam: Good to see you here! Being a baby boomer, I already have experienced the passing of parents, brother but Omar's is the one that impacted us the most because of his young age. At least he was a happy, popular teenager.
laringo: Thank you for your comments and sorry to hear about your granddaughter. Sometimes, I think the children that do not stay too long on Earth are special children who change the lives of those they live behind.
Dear VioletSun - How sad and tragic to lose someone at such a young age. My heart is touched, and I am inspired by you and your family's courage and faith.
Thank you for your deeply personal thoughts.
Violet:
You've written this beautifully and I also am in awe of your sister's bravery and spirit. How wonderful that the two of you share such a magical bond. I am sure that Omar is proud of his mother and his aunt.
Dear Pam Your kind comments are very much appreciated. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Spryte: Thanks for your beautiful words, we do feel Omar's presence and laughter at times, and appreciation of the bond between sis and I, actually mediums have passed this message on from him. :)
What a beautifully written hub, thank you for sharing it. The older I get, the more aware I am that I won't be here forever, but as you said, living in the moment does make that connection to eternity. It can be hard for me to do though. Thank you for giving me something to focus on today that is worth focusing on. My boss comes back from a week off today and I know she will be all over me about how much money I'm not making this month. <sigh> Compared to what you wrote here, it doesn't seem important at all.
Hi VioletSun, thank you for sharing this beautiful hub. Sometimes when we are in pain, it becomes so hard to see the beauty in life. But sometimes the grace also comes for us to see another perspective--like what you wrote here-and we may not understand the mysteries of life in its entirety but we can indeed choose to live each day, each moment fully. And somehow that changes things. I visited your site justabreathaway.com and it is very touching. I am sure it will help those who also have similar experiences of losing a loved one. Thanks so much for sharing your heart. :)
Nature is so kind in one hand and and soo cruel at times in the other!
I see lots of encouraging words here and at Justabreathaway.com, !
Thankyou! very refreshing!:)
Pam: I understand at times its hard to be fully in the moment especially if one is in a work environment such as yours, but as you mentioned, its is a good focus and can relieve stress as well. Its the split mind going back and forth that can be draining. Good luck with your boss, and thanks for stopping by!
Ripplemaker: Yes, isn't it awesome how living fully in the moment and taking time to also appreciate what the Universe has to offer somehow changes things. Thanks for adding to this hub with your comments.
Compusmart: Thanks for reading and adding your supportive comments. As usual its always good to see you guys! :)
Thanks so much for sharing. While I have not had that exact experience, I have experienced various levels and intensities of loss. It's never easy, but you eventually can find peace within yourself when you allow yourself to grieve and to forgive and to accept. Sometimes a life-long process. Peace.
Hi, KateWest: What you have described, its called surrender, and it does lead to that peace that allows us to move on. Loss of course, involves anything a job, relationship. Thanks so much for stopping by!
I agree and disagree with William F.Torpey in regards to: "Life is a journey that ends with death, which each of us deals with in our own unique way. I think the more we talk about it openly and honestly the better we can cope. Death is inevitable, and nothing to fear. It's just another part of life..."
Sad, yes. But I was taught to celebrate when a soul leaves this earthly life... I believe death is the start of a new journey--the ultimate journey. Great hub.
Thanks, Die'Dre for your observations and comments!
Very honest, open, and sensitive sharing of emotional challenges we all face in this life. I sense that you are a fellow traveler into the Light. Let's continue to breathe in the Light, live in the Light, and let our Light shine! Feel free to stay in touch as I live in Grants Pass, Oregon. Sincerely: Gary Eby, author and therapist.
Hi, Gary: Thank you for stopping by and commenting! And yes, I am on the path of the Light, have been for many years and more so nowadays after relocating to Oregon to be with my soulmate, quite a different life style from one in the East Coast.
Wonderfully written my dear...and my prayers to you and yours...death is always hard for those left behind..but as was said "a new beginning " in what we believe to be a better place...you have definately faced adn overcome a sad, sad thing and I comend for that and for also giving such encouragement to other's God Bless you..and Thank you for being here...G-Ma :o) hugs
You captivated me from the word go Ms Violet. This is one of the best articles i have read in Hubpages yet. Thank you so much for sharing.
VioletSun...OMG I read every word on your JustaBreathAway.com..what a magnifantely (sp) done site. I simply have goose bumps all over me as I type this. I so loved each experience and each letter written by others and the stories of their experiences..My heart has grown in both understanding and love for the part we each play in the wonderful place as apart of God's will...I am in awe..THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
....and I have no doubt Omar is with you and his mother..(one of my very favorite Aunts was Aunt Marie) when I read that it was so strange...cause just 2 days ago I found an old photo of her and the kids and I were remembering her and all the fun we had...phewww....sighs from...G-Ma :o) hugs
G-Ma: Thank you for your kind comments and feedback with Justabreathaway. I am so happy to read it inspired you as the site was a labor of love; its comforting to know there is something "out there" that keeps Oma'rs spirit alive in planet earth. The experience with your aunt and finding my site is cool... I love confirmations like these!
Ashwinspga: So nice to have you visit and comment, and thank you for becoming my fan and your kind words of encouragement. :)
My husband and father died within two months of each other in 1986. I still miss them every day. That was the most changing event of my life. In 1987 I left my home town for the first time in my life, and moved to Florida. I went home in 1990, then came back in 1995. I never would have had the courage to leave had that not happened to me. I needed to break away from my family, and bad memories there. I've been a different person ever since then.
Dafla: I sorry you experienced the loss of two loved ones at nearly the same time. I congratulate you for having the courage to make the change you needed to make~ Thanks for your comments.
VS,
I sense from the tone of your article that you may be coming to terms a bit more with the loss of Omar? Perhaps being so concerned and focusing on your bereaved sister is helping you? I know that is why I write about my loss; when I feel that sharing might help someone else through losing a loved one, it takes the focus off of ME.
I know how your sister feels; I've thought about moving and my husband keeps asking me if moving would help me. I can't imagine leaving my home, the place where my children grew up. For me, it just wouldn't help. Again, my heart goes out to your sister and please tell her I'm thinking of her.
I don't want to promote my own thing here, but if helping someone else WILL help, I have just written a hub about dealing with the grief of losing an adult child. (I tried to get the dumb ads out of my hub; I don't really want them in this article but can't make them go away. Any tips would be appreciated.)
Obviously, people like dafla could write their own book, but just maybe someone who is just beginning the grief process will see it and maybe it will help. The URL is:
http://hubpages.com/hub/-Will-I-Ever-Survive-The-D
This was a beautiful hub. I truely believe that Omar and my own daughter are in a beautiful place on the other side and that we will be there with them in time. Returning "home" doesn't frighten me. Living does frighten me!
MP
Madison: Its fine to add your link to your hub as the more we all share, the more we help others. I will always feel a sadness that Omar left us and that my big sister had to experience such sorrow, its heartbreaking watching a Mom cry for her child, so I feel for you too. There is more of a silence in my mind and emotions nowadays; perhaps its a quiet acceptance. One thing, I can tell you, it definitely changed my priorities in life.
Sis went to a medium before she moved to Florida, and the medium asked her "who is Marie" and sis replies my sister, and she tells her "Omar and your Mom thank your sister for always being there for you. They send her much love, many kisses." It amazing how accurate the gifted ones are, she knew my name, that I didn't live near her, and its in the tape of the session.
Thanks for visiting, will check your hub out.
I agree with you that the nature of life is to be co-creative. I have had similar experiences after my huband passed on. Thank you for sharing .
Thanks Terry for reading and commenting.
I went to the beach after my father passed. It was almost like I HAD to go. There is just something about the expansive horizon. Thanks for sharing.
Die'Dre: When I had my challenges in life, the ocean is where I would go, it really helped me as well. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
Thanks for this beautiful, insightful piece. There are 'good' deaths that bring an in end to suffering, and there are tragic deaths that cut down people in the fullness of life. I'm sorry about your loss, You and your sister are doing many healing things with your website, making positive changes in your lives, going to the ocean, etc where you can always feel God's presence.
Blessings,
SiuWai
SiuWai: Thank you for your kind words. Will pass them on to my sister.
Blessings,
Marie
hi violet,
what have i got to say, when i myself is in deep sadness, as i lost my husband 2 months ago, and i have two small daughters , one aged 1year i month, and the other is 4 years, everybody tells me to be brave, strong, coourageous etc., etc., but how do i cope, i have a well wishing family background, but still i feel all alone, at 35 i feel i have lost everything and my loved one, i just loved him and loved him and i still love him is not here, hey!!! God how do i cope.
Nice to read ur mail
bye
Hello sree rekha: I am so sorry for your loss and your grief, and your little girls losing their dad. I know its not easy to lose someone we deeply love; as spiritual as I am, if I were to lose my mate, I would be heart broken. Right now, you don't see a way out, and time may not heal the wounds as most say, but time does have a way of helping one to cope and sometimes the grief changes us in ways we didn't expect, such as getting a strength and grace, we didn't know we had.
Do visit my website, www.justabreatheaway.com you may find some solace there, my sister and I put it together in her son's memory.
Marie
I visited your site ,you really took my breath away. It is the longest I have stayed on any site.I am sorry for your loss but it has given birth to something beautiful.
Juliet: Thank you so much for your comments, and feedback, as I was thinking about the site yesterday, and wish I could get in the search engines so others can find it, but its expensive. Little by little the site will become more searchable.
Thank You for taking the trouble to express yourself in a meaningful way.
Hi, Mikal: Thank you for reading and commenting, and welcome to hubpages! :)
Thank you for shring your personal and innermost thoughts. I trully relate to everthing that has happened with your sister and the relationship you have.
Thank you, Lgali for reading and commenting. Its been quite a journey since her son passed away, but thank God she has not grown bitter, even if she lives with the sadness; this experience has changed all of us.
I know I have read this hub before VioletSun but not sure why I didn't leave a comment. I think though because I lost a very good friend that I went to visit your website which I found very comforting and beautiful. Thank you VioletSun for all that you wright and all that you are.
Hi, Dottie: Thank you for your comments; I am glad the website brought you some comfort. Your feedback is very much is very much appreciated.
I'll admit. I didn't want to read your hub. I lost my sister at a young age and we were best friends. I never got over it-and I probably never will. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad you're staying in the game.
This is a beautiful and touching hub, VS. It has given me much to think about, thank-you. Can't wait to check out your website.
Rockinjoe: I am sorry for the loss of your sister, and I am glad you read my hub; its true one never really gets over a death especially of a young one, but as I tell my sis, we have can allow joy to enter our lives in the midst of those tears that show up unexpectedly.
Shirley: Its good to see you here, thanks for commenting and checking my website out.
Thank you guys for reading!
I exactly understand what it means, as I had to undergo the trauma of loosing loved ones not once but twice, uptill now. Each time my mind responded in a different way. In the process of recovering or (what you say) 'dealing' with it, I lost many precious years of my life. Those were the years of intermittent vacuum...absolute vacuum. But then, I managed to come out of it and proceed ahead.
Anjali: I am sorry for your losses but glad to hear you were able to come out of the vacumm. Thanks for reading and commenting.
"Life should not be measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away"
Surviveprison: Beautiful words of true wisdom. Thanks for commenting!
well dont have good words to preaise you...will say good one.while reading that ur sis's email i got tears in my eyes.....this is life....nothing in certain...while sleeping in the night you can make just a hope that you will awake alive, cross finger...never know what will happen at next second.
Thanks, Britney for reading and adding your comments, and I agree with your thoughts about life being very temporary.
Temporary visitors on planet Earth! Great words to live by.
I also believe in the power of intention through meditation. I meditated on moving to the ocean one day. I kept my heart completely open and had no idea how I would end up at the beach. I just believed that one day I would end up there. Well, here I am. I let go, let things unfold naturally and my dream became a reality. It is so wonderful to hear about other human beings with open hearts & minds. Keep on pushin soul sister!
Optimistsonly: I had chills, thank you so much for this validation! I yearn to live by the ocean, and see me and my mate going into our golden years hand in hand walking by the beach. Thanks for your wonderful energy! :)
BEAUTIFUL HUB . I WILL NEVER FILL THE VOID LEFT BY THE DEATH OF MY DAUGHTER 6 YEARS AGO. NATURE KEEPS ME SANE.
I am so sorry to to hear this; the death of son or daughter is something that stays with us forever even if we learn to live with the loss. I am happy you find strength, solace and inspiration with nature. Nice to meet you~
I really enjoyed reading this, VioletSun. I only regret that I had not read it sooner. Thank you so much for sharing this amazing hub with all of us. I hope that it can change some of our perceptions in this world. There is a purpose and a reason why all of us our here. Shame on those who fail to realize this in live life it's a punishment rather than a gift. You are a great person and a great friend. This was my favorite line:
When the day comes for me to leave this world, I hope I will feel at the core of my being, that I lived my life fully and will have no regrets.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Dohn
Dohn: We both connect with the desire to live our lives the best way we both can, and I appreciate our connection. Thank you so much for reading this, and adding your uplifting comments.
I'm grateful for your comments, happy to be your fan and thank you for bringing your light to HubPages!
My wife is an artist (actor, writer and dancer) and has experienced much loss in her life while dealing with rheumatoid arthritis. So, your pages speak to me.
Best wishes for wonderful experiences!
Spirtactor: Thank you for reading and adding your comments. Just read your hub on Spiritualism & Health in artistry, and it sounds powerful!
Happy to have your energy in hubpages! :)
Wow! Heartfelt in words, simply beautiful sharing. Love is so difficult to lose. It stays there for as long as we live. Thank you dear friend, VioletSun.
Hi Teresa: Thank you for reading and being supportive, its appreciated.
We are certainly a guest and being gracious makes sense, I realize this hub was written two years ago but apparently I was to read it at this time. It gave me a sense of Peace and reassurance of the things that surround me. Thank you. :)
Aevans: Thanks for visiting this oldie, but goodie, I read it again, and my eyes got wet because everything I wrote then I still feel. Thanks again for your comments. :)
William F. Torpey Level 2 Commenter 3 years ago
Life is a journey that ends with death, which each of us deals with in our own unique way. I think the more we talk about it openly and honestly the better we can cope. Death is inevitable, and nothing to fear. It's just another part of life. It is sad, however, and more so when it comes too early in life.